One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, my life changed forever. I found out I was pregnant with Logan. Today, I am remembering all of the amazing memories I have made in the last year. I am not very keen on New Years resolutions and looking back.

First fear.

Two years ago I read those two pink lines for the first time. The fear, excitement and panic all set in. I barely managed to speak the words to my husband before the test was complete. We were going to have a baby. This was not something that we were trying for – but it was also not something that we were avoiding. We were happily in love. This was the next step that was expected but only talked about in future tense. Nevertheless, excitement consumed us both. A week went by and the excitement turned to panic – something wasn’t right. Something had changed and not for the better. A long a grueling hospital confirmed the worst – the pregnancy was over. As quickly as it was, it was over.

We decided that we would take a break for a little while. This was something that left us both upset. Losing something that you didn’t know that you wanted is difficult. But now we learned that this IS something that we wanted.

Months passed and nothing changed. The loss made me know that this was something I wanted and I needed now.

It didn’t take much convincing to try again. It was taking much longer this time. Something had to be wrong – we’re both young and healthy – this is something that should come easy, right?

After almost one year, the hope was starting to turn into worry. Like many mornings before, I reached in my cabinet and took out that tiny white stick. Looking down at the 2 pink lines my heart stopped. HOLY SH*T. It’s positive. Finally we have a positive test. After months and months of waiting, hoping and trying we finally had a positive.

I didn’t trust it. The white and pink test could be lying. So I went and bought 3 more. All positive.

Then excitement.

This time felt different. Still panic, but different. Right away I texted my best friend a picture of the positive test. Sh*t we both said. Neither of us knew what to do next. I guess I should tell my husband – then the fear set over. Wondering if I should wait in case this will be like the last time. Surely he will notice if I start to grow – I was so obsessed with fitness and my body that a growing belly would be noticed.

I decided to tell him with a game. Before we went on our Valentines Day dinner date, I showed him my jeopardy style game I created. With correctly answered questions about our life, slowly a phrase was revealed. After about fifteen minutes he read ‘We are going to have a baby’.

What followed next were many months of excitement and fear. Trying to hold that baby in for nine month was the best thing I ever did in my whole life.

Now pure joy.

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